As I enter 2012, I look back on 2011. A lot individuals close to me have had a difficult year. Many, myself included, have said, “This year has got to be better”.
As I reflect upon my postpartum experience, I remember saying to my therapist at one point, “I would rather receive a cancer diagnosis than to go through this.” Sometimes I still feel that way.
We don’t get to choose the crosses that God has given us to bear on this side of heaven. We do get to respond to how we carry it. I couldn’t write these words in the midst of my postpartum illness. If you are in the gut-wrenching hell that it is, I wouldn’t expect you to have that mindset either.
Let me clarify that while I feel I have “recovered” from my postpartum experience, this isn’t to say I don’t have bad days. It feels like postpartum PTSD. Thinking, “Really?? Did I go through all of that? What if it comes back? What if I am really not better? What if this medication is the only thing keeping me going?”
That’s when I tell Satan to shove it.
So I have obviously deviated from the beginning of my post but now I will attempt to tie it together. I don’t like resolutions. I can do nothing in my own power and strength. I am resolute to not make a New Year’s resolution. 🙂
A devotional I read a few days ago struck a cord with me and has stuck with me. A portion of the devotion from Wisdom Hunter’s reads as follows:
“There are rival voices in the mind of a Christian that compete for the ear of God. Another voice cries out for healing of a diseased body. A sincere voice asks to know God’s will and direction for living. All of these voices vie for the Lord’s attention and are close to His heart. But there is one request that collates all of these needs—to enter into the presence of Jesus in prayer.”
It continues, “We need the personalized presence of Christ like a hiker reaching a mountain summit needs oxygen. It is in this place of praise that we see the beauty of His holiness and we study at His feet. The doors to His house of worship are always open to our hungry heart and inquisitive mind. We enter into His courts because He is the One Thing we need.”
Oh Jesus, please let this be the prayer of my heart, to hunger for You. To be aware of Your presence always. To dive into it with exuberance. May the temptation of idleness be easy to push away so that I may relish in time well spent with You. I praise You for the healing You have provided and pray that I would always remain humble.
So, this year, I just want Jesus. All of Him. What that looks like I don’t know. I suspect that it is going to quiet the raucous in my fallen mind. I need Him each day for restoration, rejuvenation, and to be who He wants me to be.
I want to keep this year simple. Simply about Christ.
Yet, I can’t even do this on my own. God’s grace and love have been revealed to me by his mercy, and I am forever in awe.
I choose to have a theme “word” for this year vice a resolution: Striving.
Striving to be in His presence, striving to combat Satan and his lies with the Word of God. Striving to take what was meant by the enemy to destroy me and turn it into something beautiful.