I left active duty service as a Navy Nurse almost 4 years ago.
I married almost 6 years ago.
My father passed away from a massive heart attack at the age of 49 almost 8 years ago.
I earned my commission as a Naval Officer and graduated from ECU with a BSN a little over 8 years ago.
I remember my college experience as a four year chunk of time, as well as high school.
I share these mundane facts with you because I am wondering how I will perceive looking back on this particular chapter. Will the pain that threatens to resurface at times be a distant memory? Will it seem like it was all a dream and never really happened? Will I categorize it into a block of time as I have with my past? Will I always have a dormant false sense of shame and guilt associated with my postpartum OCD?
Or will things fade as they always seem to, bit by bit, until I can recall major life events but forget the details?
Like the sound of my baby’s belly laugh. That is a song in itself that I wish to never let go. Or how at 15 months he tackles me into a hug on the floor.
If I try hard enough, I can still “hear” my father’s voice and laugh….and can almost remember how it felt to embrace my barrel chested daddy, feeling a sense of safety and security.
I don’t ever want to forget that at one time (that time being now) my oldest often and spontaneously tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am.
I don’t want to lose the moments that matter. I could definitely do without fleeting memories of the horror of living through postpartum hell. The constant physical sense of panic in my chest. The heaviness of darkness threatening to consume me. The uncertainity and fear. I have never, ever felt that much fear in my entire life. I would have felt less fear being held at gunpoint than the fear I felt at the worst of my illness. Extreme? Yes. But so are postpartum mood disorders.
I praise God that I can identify the good with the bad. You cannot have one without the other. I praise Him that his sense of time is unlike ours, and depsite what may feel like an eternity is merely a proverbial drop in the bucket.
“I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end….I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.”
Ecclesiastes 3:10-11; 14